Eastern Lightning | Confessions of a Happy Model (1)

Confessions of a Happy Model

April 17, 2018

By Ganzhi, the United States

    When I was young, my mother often taught me to sing hymns that praised God. As we sang the songs, she also taught me to dance, and my nine-year-old little brother would always joyfully join us. At that time, although my family was poor and we could only live in an adobe house, I was really happy. One time, my mother went out to spread the gospel and didn’t return when it was late. I felt scared at hearing the rustling leaves in the wind outside my house. But thinking of my mother’s words that I could pray to God when I feared, I hurriedly prayed to God and read God’s words. Gradually, I was not scared, feeling that God was protecting me by my side. On ordinary occasions, I also prayed to God whatever I met; for example, when I passed by cemeteries on my way to school, as soon as I prayed to God, I was unafraid. Additionally, I had been introverted and reticent, but ever since I believed in God with my mother, I had endless words that I would speak to the uncles and aunties who were also believers in God, and either happy or unhappy things, I would. At that time, I had God as my reliance, and felt great happiness in my heart.

    However, such happy life was ruined by what happened to my family later. In 2003, my father owed many external debts and was unable to repay them. This undoubtedly worsened my already poor family. To claim their money back, creditors came to my home frequently. When my mother borrowed money from my relatives, they would lend some to us at first, but dared not later because they were afraid that we were unable to pay them back. When I attended school, I even had no money to buy food and always starved, much less had the money to pay for my tuition fees. So I decided to drop out of the junior middle school to go out to make money so I would save enough money for college and then make big money after graduation. At that time, I thought: Only money can save my family from poverty and only money can ensure us a happy life.

    After I left home, I ever worked as a waitress in the catering industry, and also as a shopgirl. Since my figure was tall and slim, someone told me that I could earn big money being a model. So I signed up to study in a model school. Being a model is the most tiring job. When my workload was heavy, my sleep and meal time would become irregular. As a result, much of my hair was lost, my face was often pale, and my black eyes were rather scaring. I was weaker and weaker under the overwork, plus my poor health since I was little, soon I had cholecystitis, enterogastritis, rhinitis, and so on. Although I had to suffer a lot from these diseases, yet as long as I could earn money, I thought my suffering was worthwhile. By the year 2008, I had saved enough money to go to college and then smoothly passed the self-study higher education examination to fulfill my college dream. However, every time I saw those classmates from wealthy families, I couldn’t help feeling heartache because I had to work hard to earn money to support my study. By contrast, I thought I was still much bad-off. So I told myself that I couldn’t be satisfied with being debt-free; instead, I must, like those successes, let my family live a high-quality life, possess my own house and car and the clothes I liked in the future. Only this was happiness. During my college days, I studied and earned money as a model at the same time. Being too busy, I returned home less often, and my heart strayed from God ever further, even to the point that I would avoid reading God’s words when my mother asked me to; and would only listen for a while reluctantly if I had to.

    In 2011, I graduated and found my classmates couldn’t make much money through the work related to my college major. If I followed suit, I thought, my dream would be difficult to achieve. Later, I learned from my friends that being a model in an international metropolis could make me earn more money. So I decided to leave home again to continue my struggle for the happy life I wanted. However, my mother objected to my decision. I clearly remembered that, on that day, my mother said to me sincerely and honestly, “Our fate is decided by the Heaven. Everything is in God’s hand. Don’t always plan for your future. Even if you labor and suffer a lot in the world, you’ll only get material satisfaction or may end in getting nothing. Your father and I used to bustle about to do business painstakingly, but what did we end up with? Aren’t we a warning to you? Now our family has no debts; we should be content with what we have. Stay at home and believe in God sincerely, OK? Only reading more of God’s words and pursuing the truth is the most valuable thing. If we leave God’s care and protection in the pursuit of fortune and fame, we can get nothing but agony in return. You are already in poor health now; when you lose your health, you’ll find what you pursue is not happiness. Let me read two passages of God’s words to you.” With this, she began to read: “Mankind does not just require a fair society in which everyone is well-fed and is equal and free, but the salvation of God and His provision of life to them. Only when man receives the salvation of God and His provision of life to them can the needs, yearning to explore, and spiritual emptiness of man be resolved” (“God Presides Over the Fate of All Mankind”). “In any case, all I wish is for man to understand that without the care, keeping, and provision of God, man cannot receive all that he was meant to receive, no matter how great the effort or struggle. Without the supply of life from God, man loses the sense of value in living and loses the sense of purpose in life” (“God Is the Source of Man’s Life”). As I listened, I thought: Although God’s words are good and believing in God is right, I need money to live. When I have enough money in the future, it will still not be late for me to return home to believe in God. Now, I’d better earn more money before I get old.

    At this thought, I resumed my life of earning money. In the beginning, I went to Hangzhou and earned some money there. Later, I learned that there were more opportunities of earning money in Shanghai and that the rewards there were three times what I received in Hangzhou. After that, I passed through many places and arrived in Shanghai. From the outset, everything went smoothly. With the help and recommendation of my friends, I had more chances to work with many advertising companies and brokers. Busy as I was with different interviews every day, I received many job offers soon afterward, such as advertising campaigns, T-shows (fashion shows), car exhibitions, and so on. With my workload increasing, I contacted more people, and even went on the stage together with some singers and movie stars sometimes. In this way, I earned more money. As my schedule was becoming tighter, I was always on the move among airports, train stations, and bus stations, and traveled among different show places from before dawn to after dark, so I didn’t live on a regular schedule and had only three or four hours of sleep. Due to sleep deprivation and irregular diets for a long period, my immunity sharply decreased. In addition, my job required me to wear anti-seasonal clothes: In summer, I had to wear down jacket, even at temperatures above 40 degrees Celsius; in winter, I had to wear a gauze dress, despite the temperature lower than 30 degrees below zero. So I had new illnesses: rheumatism, cervical spondylosis, lumbar disease, and so on. What’s more, because of wearing high-heels for long, not merely were my feet full of calluses and bleeding blisters, but my legs and feet often went into spasm. Thus I even fell onto the runway several times, leaving my ankles and knees injured. At times, my schedule was cancelled when I offended someone. So, in order to earn money in this circle for more years, sometimes I had to maintain my relationship with others with a mask. For other times, I had to go to the bars, discos, KTVs, and other places as such for amusement and relaxation with my friends. Although I didn’t adapt to this way of relaxation, yet I had to do so to fit in with them. Although we contacted and helped each other in our work, I seldom had common language with them, let alone find someone with whom to exchange my confidences. Day after day, I felt ever more void and lonely. I had more money and better material enjoyment, but I had no sense of satisfaction and happiness. And not only that, but I didn’t know what happiness or contentment was. I felt my heart was just like a hole without bottom, which just couldn’t be stuffed no matter how.



    Such a life I had lived for almost one year and it had brought me a considerable income. I should have stopped to have a good rest, but I was unwilling to miss any chance of earning money. Until June, 2016, my body was too exhausted that the diseases in me became dramatically worse. When I stayed alone at home, I was incessantly reflecting and asking myself: Am I still the one I used to be? Why am I, who often smiles on the surface, always unhappy? I have owned money, but never have I felt joy and happy in my deepest heart. Then what is happiness? Are all my pursuits not the true need deep inside my heart? I have already lost my direction, not knowing what’s needed in my heart. I had thought happiness was earning enough money to live a well-off life; I had never thought that I would have health problem in pursuing them, and actually, nor have I paid any attention to my health: Ignoring the need of both my body and spirit, I just worked my fingers to the bone, which brought me agony. I was walking a wrong road led by my worldly values; I needed God to save me and to reverse my wrong values and outlook on life. At this moment, a word came to my mind, “The end of man is the beginning of God. Rely on God and you won’t be lost….” Also I thought of God’s words my mother had read to me: “A world in man’s heart with no place for God is dark, empty without hope.” “Mankind does not just require a fair society in which everyone is well-fed and is equal and free, but the salvation of God and His provision of life to them. Only when man receives the salvation of God and His provision of life to them can the needs, yearning to explore, and spiritual emptiness of man be resolved” (“God Presides Over the Fate of All Mankind”).

    Since I was born in a family with a religious belief, I could have believed in God and obeyed the path God had prepared for me. But I disobeyed God’s will, keen on earning big money to change my fate, to pursue the so-called happiness. As a result, after I had drifted in the world for many years and struggled to survive until today, I was tired both in mind and body, disease-stricken and unbearably wretched. Only after I thought of God’s words did I come to understand: These material things in my possession is nonsense; they just give me the sense of emptiness. I focus on working day after day, just like a money-making machine. My life is dull, my heart grows numb, and I felt like the walking dead, completely ignorant of the true meaning of life. I can’t live on like this. All I need is God’s salvation and the supply of His words for me. The more I thought, the more I repented and the sadder I was. Why didn’t I listen to mum’s advice? With tears of regret gushing out of my eyes, I knelt down to the ground, calling out constantly to God: “O God, are You still by my side? Are You still caring and protecting me? Now I know I need You urgently. O God, I have spared no efforts to earn money, to pursue what I called happiness. Only when I had suffered greatly and had no way out did I realize that Your words are the truth; without Your supply, everything is meaningless. O God, may You have mercy on me and save the fallen me….” After prayer, I was reminded that before I came to Shanghai, my mother had given me a MP3 player with God’s words in it. I immediately went to find it and then listened. During that period of time, I listened to God’s words as I prepared the meal, did the housework, or worked out. My heart felt the sense of fulfillment which I had never had before; although I was alone at home, I had no sense of loneliness. This was not something that could be bought with money.

    One day, I heard God’s words say, “The question of most concern to Me is to whom your hearts are loyal. I would also like each of you to organize your thoughts and ask yourself to whom you are loyal and for whom you live. Perhaps you have never given careful consideration to this question, so let Me reveal the answer to you. All those with memory will confess this fact: Man lives for himself and is loyal to himself. I do not believe that your answer is entirely correct, for you each exist in your respective lives, each are struggling in your own distress. Therefore, what you are loyal to is the people you love and the things that please you, and you are not entirely loyal to yourselves. Because you are each influenced by the people, occurrences, and things around you, you are not truly loyal to yourselves.”

    “If I were to now place some riches in front of you and ask you to choose freely, knowing that[a] I would not condemn you, then most would choose the riches and forsake the truth. The better among you would give up the riches and reluctantly choose the truth, while those in between would seize the riches in one hand and the truth in the other. … If you were asked to choose again, what then would be your position? Would it be the former still? Would what you give Me still be disappointment and wretched sorrow? … However, what I continue to be uneasy about is that when faced with injustice and justice, you always choose the former. But that is all in your past. I also hope to put out of My mind that which has happened in your past, one thing after the other, though this is very difficult to do. Yet I have very good means of accomplishing it. Let the future replace the past and allow the shadows of your past to be dispelled in exchange for your true self of today. This means I will have to trouble you to make the choice once more and see to whom you are loyal” (“To Whom Are You Loyal?”).

    God’s words spoke out my inner voice. In the beginning, I thought my purpose of earning money was to pay off the family debts. However, when the debts were all cleared, my desire was still not fulfilled: I wanted to pursue a higher material life and earn more money. I was indeed living for my desire. In this society, under the influence of the surrounding people, matters, and things, and of the social trend—“Money is above everything,” I pursued these things excessively, thus leading to the breakdown of my body and mind. Even though God had expressed so many words, I still wouldn’t listen but was stiff-necked to walk my own way. It was not until I was afflicted and tortured by Satan, feeble and wounded all over, that I turned to God. At this moment, I matched God’s words up to my experience. God is indeed the practical God, and God’s words are indeed the truth. I just couldn’t help but pray to God: “O God, it’s worthwhile for me to suffer all these hardships. Without them, I wouldn’t wake up and couldn’t know Your sovereignty. O God, thanks for Your kind intention of saving me. If I can choose again, I will choose You and spend more time believing in You; I will listen to You, and will never let You down and be sad again.”

    To be continued

Source The Internet

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